i have been so down this past week. spiritually and emotionally. i have been stressed at work and even missed my church on sunday because i was sick. the responsibilities at work and some personal problems are weighing me down.

i know i have failed my God so many times. i never kept some of my promises and even, maybe have broken His heart because of my actions. it breaks my heart, too for i know He does not deserve this kind of repayment  after what He has done for my life. 

Yet my God stays faithful. He offer his shoulder when i feel down. he pat my back when i breakdown and gives me strength to carry on. i still have some things to get straight with him but i am assured that he will not turn his back on me. 

i am so privilege to have a god like Him. my heart is pouring out to know that he is so good to me. i so do not deserve him yet He always reminds me that i still deserve to be loved.

I just got home from a women’s conference at my church and I feel soo blessed and armoured. I just want to share with you the love of God that I had experienced back there and this amazing revelation he has given me. 

There was this one question that has struck me the most when I was at the conference. Jasmine, our speaker, asked us this simple question: Who is Jesus for you? And I pondered this 5 words for awhile and to be honest I wasn’t so sure, not until I finished our sessions.

Who is Jesus for me?

I want to tell you my real perception of Jesus Christ. Not the “oh you know, He is my saviour, He is the Prince of peace, the ultimate sacrifice” etc. (you know what i mean?). I want to come up with an answer that when I say it, it shivers my every nerve and I will own it and live it as a testimony. Not the answer that is so obvious to everyone (or most likely to be everyone else’s answer). I want something that when I describe it to you, I will feel the instant connection with my Jesus.

I am continuously growing and learning in my walk with Jesus. And in my continuous walk I have learned that who you define yourself or who you display yourself out there, is how you want Jesus to be defined.

You see, it was hard for me to define Jesus back then because I, myself, couldn’t define me. I’m a product of a broken family. My two sisters and I have been raised alone by my mum. And for most people who were in the same position could understand where this was coming from. It was tough. So tough that at a very young age I had to face big responsibilities. I had to be brave and act like an adult. Which was awful and a terrible thing to be like when I was supposed to be enjoying life and just be a kid. I used to always push myself real hard to prove my dad or to prove everyone else that I will be okay even though I came from a broken home. But boy, who was I kidding. I was growing up full of insecurities. Most people I know would probably disagree on this because I always wear a happy face and be the bubbly person they always knew. Little they know, I was just covering everything up. Deep inside me I was so afraid that one day all the things I have worked for will be stolen away from me..just like my childhood. All the people that I cared about will be taken away from me..just like my father. Even the smallest things, I would worry about because I was so insecure. Eventually, this insecurity captured my freedom. 

Captivity mocks freedom.

I have been paralysed by this “insecurity” that I couldn’t enjoy my freedom anymore. It overpowered the truth. I have been stuck in this situation for years and years. I have been deceived by the enemy and used this weakness to bond me and be his slave. But Jesus was always there. You know, He never gives up a fight without a battle.

Being greater than anything or anybody else, it was hard to not recognise His big love for me. In my weakness he picked me up. In my sorrows he wrapped me up. In my stumble he stood me up. He showed me his intense love and what He can do to deliver me from this stronghold. He drew me closer to Him. And as I drew closer He showed himself to me in a deeper level and made me realized how so messed up my life was and how dark my past was. But, you see, Jesus cares for the messed up ones. He love those people who are bitter, who failed, who was rejected and have been abused. And because of this great compassion, love, understanding and care, I have been filled and have been strengthen. I have been shown how my stronghold got me into this position. The Lord has dug deeper into my inner core and showed me the things I was so fearful and shameful to face. He showed me the sore points of my history. It was horrifying and appalling but the Lord had to show these things so I could be better. So I could look on where I have gone wrong. So I could see the spots in my life that I had to look back and change them. And from there, I can move forward. He equipped me and armoured me by showing me who He is in my life and what I can do with him by my side.

I have learned to wake up, shift my perspective, take off my old past and wear His cloth of splendour and shine like I have never shined before. He taught me to rise up and sit where I am supposed to be seated. He demolished my insecurity so that He could build up my security. Jesus set me free from condemnation (Rom 8:1) and discouragement which I allowed the enemy to use against me. “Discouragement is the best weapon of the enemy against the people of this world and to many Christians in this world” - Jasmine Fidow.

I learned that nothing happens to us without our permission. So if you permit the Holy Spirit or the enemy to rule over your life, is entirely up to you.

Tonight at the conference I had my revelation from the Lord and He said to me: daughter, you don’t have to worry anymore because I got your back. You don’t have to be insecure because you are my child. I will give you the things that you need in times that are unexpected just focus on me. You may be bubbly outside and funny or loud but I know the real you and you don’t have to hide anything from me from now on. It’s alright that you had a messy life because I accepted you wholly and you will always be my daughter. You have faith in me and you believe in me and that is enough to be your strength and security. 

I have not mentioned it to anybody but I was so unsecured about my chosen career. I love cooking. It is my passion. That’s why I become a chef. But there was a point in time that I have questioned my chosen path. Is this the right career for me? what if I did not do well? what if I screw up? what if I had taken another course? what if? But tonight I had a confirmation from the Lord and He said: Why are you questioning your abilities when you know I am with you? He’s right. He was the one who led me to this path and he will always make it worth taking.

Here is the best part though, the revelation and the ultimate confirmation that I received from Him. God told me through Jasmine’s prophecy, that ” you will do great in your career Micah. You will be a top expert in your chosen career. You may be small but I am great and the great I am will always be with you so do not fear”. Isn’t it amazing? Cool, aye.

The Lord have shown me my weaknesses and have used it so I could become stronger and better as a person.  Now I am ready to fight back and win God’s victory just like how He fought for me to be called victorious. Now getting back to the question. Who is Jesus for you?

For me He is my strength and my refuge. He was the one who picked me up washed me and watched me go try again.

He was the one who made me put on His cloth of splendour and made me who I am now, armed and dangerous.